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Ahoy from Provocation Nation!

What’s with all the pirate news lately?  Cannons and cutlasses have been replaced by AKs and speedboats, but the principle remains the same: board the ship and plunder the booty (coincidentally, I think that was also the plot line of a Peter North movie).  What’s mind-boggling about it, though, is how prevelant it’s become.  Every day I check the news, and there’s always a new story about how one or more cargo ships or luxury liners was either hijacked or at least assaulted by pirates.  And all this shit happens in the same area it seems like.  If you were taking a boat out for a joy ride in Pirate Bay, wouldn’t you take some protection?  I, for one, would hire some snipers.  It’s not like you can really sneak up on someone out at sea.  If you look out across the horizon and you see a bunch of desperate looking dudes with guns in a paddle boat, chances are they’re not part of a welcome wagon - they’re coming to hijack your shit.

A lot of kids will let their imagination run wild and dream of being a pirate or an astronaut, or some crazy shit like that.  What do you dream of being when you really ARE a pirate?  “Damn, I’d love to be an accountant.  But I’m stuck floating around the ocean and hijacking boats”.  Though piracy does seem like its lost some of its luster since the glory days.  Old-school pirates are always portrayed as having these huge bad ass ships, but these modern day pirates seem to all use boats that look like the water-logged piles of shit my neighbors keep in their back yard.  Most news reports indicate that there have been over a hundred hijackings in the past months.  Why the hell don’t they hijack some nicer boats?

I saw in the news they interviewed some kind of pirate leader recently.  Do you suppose there’s some sort of pirate council that elected this guy?  How awesome must those meetings be?  Usually when I sit through meetings at work they involve talking about product revenue and project plans.  I bet they’d be a lot more intereting if we could talk about how many tourists we’re gonna make walk the plank.  Anyways, this guy started ranting on and on about how the pirates couldn’t be stopped.  Listen, Blackbeard, you might want to take another look at your fleet.  A guy on a Jet Ski could challenge you for naval supremacy.

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

-Mike

December 4th, 2008 | Tags: Cruises, Hicjakings, Luxury Liners, Pirates, Ships, Somalia | Category: In the News | Comments (10)

When the snow starts swirling and the Christmas music starts playing, you know the Holiday season is right around the corner.  The trendy gifts may change each year, but there are certain elements you can always count on to dampen the Christmas cheer:  screaming kids, packed stores, and the degenerates who camp out at various stores to get their spot in line for post-Thanksgiving shopping.

Speaking of shopping, there’s another sign that Christmas is on the way; the bell ringers.  Chances are I don’t want to be going in the store in the first place, but then I get the guilt trip before I even step foot in the place.  “Merry Christmas, Stranger!!  I hope you don’t mind me banging my cow bell in your face and looking at you loathingly for not forking over some cash!”  Donating to charities is one thing, but handing out money to some stranger with a red bucket might be crossing the line.  With the economy the way it is, I’m considering setting up shop in front of WalMart or Target and cashing in.  It’s my own version of “economic stimulus”.

Up to now, the bell ringing routine has always been pretty straightforward - a guy/gal (gender identification is usually impossible because of 17 layers of winter clothing) stands in front of a department/grocery/electronics store and rings the bell for hours on end in the hopes that a few good samaritans will throw in some dough.  This past weekend, they changed the game.  They introduced a prop.  No longer is it just the chilled-to-the-bone bell ringer, they’ve now added a partner in crime.  Is it a second bell ringer?  No.  Is it someone from the Salvation Army to help reassure you that your money will go towards a good cause?  Nope.  They’ve started rolling out handicapped kids now.  I guess with money being a little bit tighter this year for the average consumer, they figured people wouldn’t be feeling generous enough unless there was a paralyzed kid in a wheelchair to motivate people.  As if these kids haven’t endured enough, they now have to freeze their asses off in front of a grocery store.  Shame on you, bell ringers.

The wheel chair kid got me thinking, though.  Most people probably avoid direct eye contact because they don’t want it to look like they’re staring.  So what are the odds that this kid is really handicapped?  I think he might have been a ringer.  My peripheral vision saw this kid leaning over in the chair and possibly drooling, but I know a lot of people who claim to be “normal” but they could pull off a similar act.  Next time you walk up to a store and hear the incessant ringing, keep your change in your pocket.  Just “mean mug” the kid in the chair and keep on walking.

When you’re doing your Holiday shopping this year and find yourself with a fever, remember, the only prescription…….is more cowbell.

-Mike

November 24th, 2008 | Tags: bell, Bell Ringers, Christmas, Holidays, Salvation Army, shopping | Category: Culture | Comments (3)

WTF?

Welcome to another addition of Tool Times. This time though I am going to take a spin from our usual celebrity degradation and tell a whismical tale of a young man in love, and the disaster that ensued. This is a true story, however the names have been changed to protect the innocent ( and me from getting sued).

It was a lovely summer day in Omaha as Spanks had just finished washing his blue Ford Mustang. Tonight was the big night. It was almost a year now Spanks had put in on Hot Jen and his labor was finally paying off. Tonight would be their first date. Spanks was overwhelmed with excitement as he again checked the integrity of the Trojan which had been sandwiched in his wallet for the past two years. After spraying on a cloud of Axe he grabbed his keys and headed for the door.

The night began with a dinner date, Spanks had taken Hot Jen to the best sushi restaurant in Omaha. Spanks could not believe his luck as he ate wasabe covered sushi and engaged in meaningful conversation with the girl of his dreams. Now just to clear this up, Hot Jen was not your typical midwest beefeater. Hot Jen was a California 10 which converts to a Nebraska 10,000. Long blonde hair, blue eyes, great legs, and a perfect body. Dinner lasted for about two hours when Hot Jen finally suggested they go back to her apartment to “watch a movie.” Spanks drooled at the opportunity.

Upon arrival at the apartment Spanks could feel something was not right, his stomach turned over itself and began to cramp up, the wasabe was already fighting it’s way out. He couldn’t go home now though, not when he was this close to a night with Hot Jen. So he excused himself to the bathroom. Racing to the bathroom he locked the door and turned the water on. Plopping down on the toilet he released the fury. The most foul green apple splats shot into the toilet and engulfed the bathrooom in a horrifying odor. There was no window. Spanks stood up and spun in a circle with his pants still around his ankles searching for an air freshener of some kind. Getting nervous he let out a fart, only it wasn’t a fart. His heart sank into his chest as Spanks looked down at the white fur rug he had just accidently sharted on.

Now ask yourself, what would you do in this situation. Washing the rug was fruitless as the stain kept smearing. The choice was either A) steal the rug and run out of the apartment or B) face the music and tell Hot Jen you had just shit on her rug. Well Spanks took the latter. After telling Hot Jen and    presenting her the rug, she was quick to forgive him. After an hour Spanks went home, and never heard from Hot Jen again…

What a Tool.

November 19th, 2008 | Tags: Hot Jen | Category: TOOL TIMES | Leave a comment

This morning I was reading the latest news at cnn.com when I stumbled across this gem. Lindsay Lohan recently stated in an interview when asked about Barack Obama:

“It was really exciting. It’s…it was such a…It’s an amazing feeling. It’s our first, you know, colored president.”

It is hard to know where to start with this one. On the one hand people are often offended by the use of the word ‘colored’ when describing a race, they believe it is racist. I hardly think this is the case with Lohan seeing how I would bet the farm she has had more black dudes in her than a urinal at the Apollo. So what do we do? I say laugh it off. The fact that this even made news is an embarrassment to our society.

As long as there is no malicious intent I don’t see what the big deal is for what you call people. The last time I checked I believe the NAACP stood for the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People anyways. When did we become so P-whipped that we have to pick every word carefully in order not to offend anyone? As long as people are bitching about racist words to describe ethnicities, I would like to chime in with I am offended by being called caucasian. It has the word ‘cock’ right in it, call me cracker. The next application I fill out I would like to see two boxes, one box for ‘Cracker’ and one for ‘Other.’ Maybe if you are Mexican you can check the box for ‘Ritz.’ Sorry for the digression…

In simple terms it’s not like she called him a ‘Porch Monkey’ or ‘Jungle Bunny.’ On the bright side at least she got the improper term for the race right. She could have called him a ‘WOP’ or a ‘Mick.’ So stop complaining, it is not the word that matters, it is the meaning and the feelings of the person behind it that really count. In short this better be the last time we see Lilo in the news for her political opinions. Stick with reporting on what she knows best, drugs and accidently exposing herself.

November 14th, 2008 | Tags: Lohan | Category: In the News | Comments (8)

With the economy circling the toilet bowl, a lot of industries are slipping into oblivion.  The banking scene is in ruins, the auto industry is scraping the bottom of the barrel and the stock market is about as stable as a house of cards in a wind tunnel.  One industry, though, has been assaulting consumers for several years; the airline industry.  In general, the whole travel experience from start to finish is about as pleasant as a Singapore cane beating.

The fun usually begins with buying a plane ticket.  So you scour a dozen sites to find a ticket that doesn’t require you to take out a loan, and you realize that the price you see is a fraction of what you’ll end up paying.  After taxes, booking fees, agent fees, fees if you want to select a seat early and fees if you want an exit row seat, I’m left rummaging through my couch cushions looking for spare change.  It’s a pretty sweet phenomenon when an entire industry can get a way with charging customers more and more and yet the service provided keeps getting exponentially worse.  As soon as they introduce an oxygen tax, I’m staying home - permanently.

The next highlight of the travel experience is the arrival at the airport.  For those of you who’ve done any significant amount of travel, you know the first obstacle of the airport scene is always parking.  Regardless of where you are, what day, or what time, you’re guaranteed to have to park on at least the 85th level of the parking garage.  I’m convinced that I could go to an airport in the Arctic Circle with no civilization within a thousand miles and still spend an hour looking for a spot in the parking garage.

I’m usually semi-traumatized from finding a parking spot, then I realize that I haven’t even made it inside the airport yet.  Walking into any major airport is sort of like walking into a different universe.  I’m not sure how it happens, but sanity is lost whenever you pass through the threshold.  If your experiences are anything like mine, the line at the ticket counter looks similar to the line of people standing outside Walmart on the day after Thanksgiving.  After standing in line and having a chance to reflect on every moment of my entire lifetime, I finally get up to the counter.  The airline industry scours the planet to find the rudest people possible to man these counters.  I really despise that gleeful look they get on their face when they inform me that even with my million-dollar plane ticket, I get to pay even more money to check baggage.

After parking and getting bent over at check in, my rectum would now be an appropriate storage spot for a 747.  The fun is just beginning at this point, though.  The next stop on the tour is getting accosted at the security checkpoint.  The people at these checkpoints couldn’t be any less interested.  Except on the rare occasion when they get to give an attractive female the wand treatment.  It’s the little things in life….

After all the trials and tribulations, you’ve finally reached the point on your journey when you can board the plane.  Next to the DMV, is there anything that takes longer than boarding a plane?  It shouldn’t be that confusing.  There aren’t a whole lot of options when you climb aboard.  Why could it possibly take so long?  I’ll tell you why - the assholes who refuse to check their baggage.  They figure they can save a few bucks and inconvenience a plane full of people by bringing their massive suitcase on board and trying to shove it in the overhead.  You want to pull that shit?  Fine.  We won’t make you pay the baggage checking fee, but there will be a different form of payment.  You’ll be seated between the two 500-lb. guys who haven’t showered in a week and the screaming babies will be seated directly in front of and behind you.  That $15 fee doesn’t look so bad now does it, cheap ass?

One of my fellow site contributors is a big fan of Amtrak.  Maybe he had the right idea after all.

-Mike

October 6th, 2008 | Tags: The Not-so-friendly Skies | Category: Culture | Comments (2)

Game: Oklahoma at Baylor (Saturday 10/04 12:30 PM Eastern)
Pick: Baylor +27 (-110)

Oklahoma, the new #1 team in the nation, is very good. But are they, on the road, 27 points better than Baylor? Perhaps they are, but will they play that way before Texas weekend? Next week’s showdown is quickly becoming a stage for who will be in the National Championship Game. It’s hard to imagine Oklahoma being 100% focused on this game. Baylor is not the doormat they have been in the past. Robert Griffin is difficult to defend, as he can throw down field and he keeps the defense off balance with his abilty to run. He has some very good numbers for a freshman (seven passing TDs, five rushing TDs and no INTs). Jay Finley has found daylight out of the backfield at 8.1 yards per carry, and Baylor should be able to put some points up here. The question is how much energy is Oklahoma willing to spend with the biggest game of the year on deck? I say not enough to cover four touchdowns on the road. History agrees as the Sooners are 5-11 ATS the week before Texas the last sixteen years. Add in the fact that Baylor is well rested (and presumably well prepared) off a bye, and we have some real value on the dog here.

October 3rd, 2008 | Tags: betting, college football, football, gambling | Category: Sports Betting | Comments (2)